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venomxcupcake
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Name: Joanne
Gender: Female
Interests: Music pretty much makes up my life. Fine, a lot of people say that, but I mean it. It puts voice to the feelings you cannot define. I love to write songs. I play guitar and bass and I'm taking up drumming as well. I also like writing fantasy stories, because they help me to escape from the real world.
Expertise: Fucking up everyone's life
Occupation: Musician
Industry: Media
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  YouLoveToHateHer
MSN: kuvitteellinen@hotmail.com
Member Since:
6/8/2006
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| I am so unhappy right now.
I don't know whether I'm more upset or angry, but I'm a mixture of the two. And I don't want to write about it. But it looks like I've got no friends to listen to me anymore. I guess I've given up trying to be friends with people. Clearly there's something wrong with me, because the ones I've tried to stay in touch with through facebook rarely, if ever, reply to me. You know, it really amazes me that they can do that and then see me in the street and start talking to me as if I'm their best friend and they really miss me. How, how can you say that?
And I've long accepted the fact I don't fit in at college either. The only people who are really willing to talk to me already have groups of friends. They all go out on the weekends together. I don't get an invite. Fine, whatever.
I just find it so unbelievably ironic that the 2 people, apart from Ben, that bother to talk to me, that actually stay in touch, are Graham and Cecil. Two people who I never see, and God knows they don't care about me, but they at least talk to me, ask me how I'm doing, offer me a hug when I need one... just have a fucking conversation with me.
Do you know how unbearably lonely I feel?
It's not like I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. More I go to bed and don't give a damn whether I wake up the next morning or not.
My dad is having to go to hospital for some tests. He has a symptom of a detached retina, according to one doctor, but according to an optician his eyes are fine and the symptom actually fits better with a pre-stroke warning.
And I figured out something else today that I kind of already knew but didn't want to think about.
There's too much else... I can't be bothered to put it all in a sodding xanga entry that no one will read.
I want to talk to someone and I can't, because no one's listening. No one cares enough anymore.
Not even me.
...On a lighter note, Ben and I have been together for one year now.
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| So much for updating more.
Whooot, Logic Studio arrived today. Stuck the disc in the disc drive and it tells me it's going to take 2 hours to install =| Two hours later it says "please insert the next disc", then tells me it'll be installing for another hour. I still have... 6 discs... oh wait, 5 now. Dear Gods.
In a random facebook poll I got asked the question "Do you think atheists are immoral?"
My answer: "No... what a stupid question."
I mean, what kind of narrow-minded bigot would think that? Okay, so I don't take orders from the Bible/Qur'an/other religious book or God/Allah/other higher being... guess what, I still have a conscience. I do what's right because it's right, not because some supreme being says so. I think that makes me just as moral as any religious person.
And just because you're religious, it doesn't make you a moral person. So many have died in the name of religion. Take the Crusades. How many died because of Christianity? Plenty. And you can't forget extreme Muslims, giving all Muslims the label "terrorist" (not saying they are, because I know plenty of Muslims and exactly 0 of them are violent because of their religious beliefs, or even all that violent in general). And what about Catholic priests molesting children? That's not very moral. Ugh. It just annoys me when people think their religion makes them superior and everyone who doesn't have their exact same beliefs is misguided and immoral and needs converting. Ugh.
On the bright side, I'm really getting used to my Mac. I still like my PC, but my Mac's faster and the graphics are nicer. Oh, and my Mac has an inbuilt camera and microphone... wtf, I can't put smilies in my post. Is that because I'm using my Mac, I'm using Safari or xanga's being a dick? Hmm.
College is a drag. Don't want to go to lessons. I get a lie-in tomorrow though, for a whole hour-ish. And when the days are dark, an hour is hardly anything. I don't even notice I've had a lie-in. It is, as Ben would term it, "gash". I've got Chemistry first thing tomorrow... joy. Followed by Biology, which is okay because I like Biology. We're studying respiration at the moment so a lot of my food and nutrition knowledge comes into play. Mhmm. Eeexcellent.
Also, while I'm here, I'd just like to say I've finally decided it's time to stop watching the X Factor. Either it is rigged or Simon Cowell's just a plain dickhead. Whatever the case, he's lost my respect. My mum and I have agreed that this week we shall not be tuning in.
And on that note... I fare thee well. | | |
| I should start updating more... not just when I feel the need to rant / be depressed =|
So I now have a Mac... don't have Logic yet but we're getting to that stage  I have to say I much prefer PCs to Macs... perhaps that's because I'm used to my PC. The Mac is a lot nicer in terms of graphics and it's a lot faster in general but... meh. Other than that, it doesn't have much going for it. And its web browser, Safari? Ugh. I'll stick with firefox. I used to be an IE girl but the bug that kept making it bring up infinite tabs that made my whole computer freeze was just too annoying. Now I'm used to firefox... I guess the annoying thing is most people's xanga sites look rubbish. In fact, a lot of sites in general look rubbish. But aaahh well. You can't have it all.
My singing teacher, Charlotte, keeps telling me I have an amazing "head voice" (ie soprano). Now that I think about it, I find it easier to sing Nightwish (Tarja era) than I do Evanescence or Paramore. High notes? No problem. I can hit top C. Not very well, but it's recognisably a top C and not a squeak, and considering I've had no classical training I think that's pretty good.
So... I might start focusing my voice up the top end of the spectrum... and start writing songs using a higher range.
I should also say I love the song Planet Hell by Nightwish. Mmm. Lovely  while I do think Anette is a good singer, I prefer Tarja. She's more unique. But I'm not going into the Tarja vs Anette debate. They're as good as each other, just at different things.
Ben and I are good. Wow, it's been over 11 months. That's amazing. Just a bit longer and it'll have been a year =| that's so strange... I never imagined myself being in a relationship for this long. And when I first started going out with Ben I honestly thought we'd last about 2 weeks. Psh. Just goes to show.
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| So regarding my last post, life is fine again. I stopped talking to Ben about anything that is even remotely on my mind and he seems satisfied.
I guess it kinda screams "get out of the goddamn relationship" when you can't talk to the other person about anything because you don't want to lose them. But meh... I'm happy for the time being. I guess that's what I have friends for. Or what I'm supposed to have friends for. In reality I don't have friends. I suppose I just have something about me that drives people away from me. Wow, I hate myself. No matter. It kinda figures that no one likes me when I don't even like myself. Hell, why would people like me?
For some bizarre, unknown reason I started crying while Dave was talking to me in my Media one-to-one progress review. I'm not sure why I did that. He told me to talk to people. He asked me if I talk to Ben... I said of course I do. Like fuck do I. I can't talk to him because he writes it off as 'pissy' and 'negative'. I'm not entitled to hate myself, and the fact I'm weak enough to do that makes me hate myself even more. Whoot, vicious cycle. Dave also told me I have a tendancy to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. Well, it'd be selfish to share it. If I can't be happy I might as well be useful. Hmm. Whatever.
Yeah okay, I really am pissy and negative. That's why I write. When I write I become God. I design the characters, I control their decisions and I determine their fates. I can keep them alive and kill them at will. If I says something happens to them, it happens. And I escape for a moment. This world doesn't exist. Their world does. I exist in their world... and I control it. God knows I can't control my own life.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this post. It's just pathetic drivel because I haven't written for ages. Meh.
Frank Turner gig: pretty good. I enjoyed it more than I expected to. Frankie Boy himself is a nice enough bloke. Makes me proud to be British. And he played the three songs of his I actually know so it was all good. Support bands? Beans On Toast made me laugh. Not so fond of his rapping but meh. He had a very "fuck it" attitude. "Was that the first or the second verse? Fuck it, I'll skip to the end. Yeah, there was another verse, but I can't be bothered to play it". Basically he was rather unprofessional but no one really cared... he made us laugh, bless him. The second support band were just very mediocre. A very nothing-special pop-punk band which left Ben and I rather unimpressed.
Alice In Chains on 6th December and Paramore on the 11th. I still need a gig buddy for Paramore. Feh.
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| So I just have to rant.
Y'see, I had an argument with Ben last night. Words he used to describe me: negative, pissy and selfish.
Right, so he's a fine one to talk about any of these things. As far as negative goes, he's so much more negative than I am As far as he's concerned there's no point to life or anything in general. He tells me I complain about everything, and yet what the fuck does he do? Complain about how he hates everything. Do you know how frustrating it is trying to talk to someone who hates everything? There's almost no point in coversing with them, because you know they're going to say "I hate (whatever you just said)". So maybe I'm a bit down at the moment. But at least I'm not constantly pessimistic.
Pissy. All girls are fucking pissy. It's in our nature to be pissy. Now I wanted to know how I was being more pissy than normal. What's the response? "Fuck it. I cba to talk about this tonight. I'm sorry I fucking said anything". Tell me that isn't the pissiest of pissy replies.
Selfish? Aren't we all? Don't we all have our moment when we just want to do something for ourselves? He told me I talk about myself too much these days. What. This is not something I've noticed. I've just been talking about whatever comes to my head. And apparently that's complaining. But whenever in the past I've said "I'm sorry, I'm complaining, I don't mean to offload on you and be a pissy bitch" all he's ever said was "when I signed up for this all those months ago, I signed up for the whole package". He told me it's fine. So why is it now not fine? Am I missing something here?
And then, after all this, he tells me he's just annoyed because I've been telling him to grow a beard. I would just like to say I WAS JUST TEASING. It's always been just teasing. He teases me too. It's what people DO. And it's not like he doesn't do anything which doesn't fuck me off... like touching my arse or my tits constantly, even when I push him away and tell him to stop. When I have to do this multiple times a fucking hour, YES I GET PISSY.
Well, whatever. Apparently I can't talk to him about anything, because it's just "complaining" or "being pissy" or whatever, so I'm going to just talk to my xanga. Fuck talking to people. They don't actually want to listen, it turns out. Not even the person who's supposed to listen. Just. Fuck. It.
<3
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