I'm off to Reading soon. I've got to go to my cousin's party. I can't say I'm really looking forward to it. The thing about my cousins is that they are... so... closed-minded. They see the world in black an white. If you are exactly like them, then they'll accept you. But if you're not then they'll turn on you and make fun of you. And that's why I feel like such an outsider.

They don't seem to be capable of having intelligent discussions. If you say something meaningful, it's not meaningful to them; it's just "emo" and trashy. You can't even debate with them, because they won't listen or even attempt to understand your point; they already have their answer, and whatever you say won't matter.

I say all my cousins are like this... it's not exactly true, I suppose. It's really just AJ. However whenever Ryan and James are around him they act very much the same, as do any of their friends as well as Ryan's sister Karissa. Becky and Nicole are okay, but I don't really have anything in common with either of them. So I end up just hanging around the adults, trying to be interested in their conversations and... failing.

I guess I was just born to be an outcast. I'm not exactly the girl who has many friends. I don't fit into a 'group' of people. I'm always stood on the edge. An outsider. I know I don't belong. It's like this everywhere I go: at Oakham; at Rutland College; at taekwon do; anywhere. I'm a wanderer. A traveller with no home. I roam from one place to the next, occasionally setting up my tent and lighting a campfire, but I don't have the money to buy myself a house, and I can never stay too long as the locals don't quite know what to do with me... because I'm different. I don't fit in.

And I tell people this and they tell me I can belong to "their" group. But it doesn't work that way. The rest of the group are never quite willing to let me in. Or maybe they are, but I just push them away without meaning to. I don't think I do, but I don't really understand what other reason there could be. People just don't seem to know what to do with me. Is there something about me that tells people to back off?

Maybe I'm a born loner. Maybe I'm not supposed to have friends. Maybe I'm just supposed to live with that.

Y'know, I actually really like reading through my old xanga entries. So they're not particularly interesting, but I guess I like reminding myself of what I've been through, events in my life, how I was feeling... it makes me feel in touch with myself, in a way. I'm totally not myself these days. I'm a lot more... distant, uncaring... maybe even a little hateful. But when I read those old posts I remember who I really am. I remember those feelings.

I've also remembered that this xanga site was 3 years old on June 8th and I totally forgot  how could I? How could I forget something so important? Uh... well... you know... important in a... oh never mind

Do you ever find yourself reading through old posts? You should. You sometimes come across old memories and smile or laugh, or you think "wow, I've come a long way since then".

I got a card and a drawing from Ben today. He sent it from where he is on holiday (Lowestoft)... it's quite sweet, in a way  he's not really the romantic type but he lets me know he loves me. And it makes me feel totally fucking guilty for having fucky emotions where I don't know what I want and complain about his faults... I'm not perfect. I have learned to cope with other people being imperfect too... but I still fucking whine about it. I'm pathetic.

Had to clear out my room of everything yesterday because I was supposed to be getting a new carpet today... but the carpet people haven't arrived yet =| not sure where they could be. They were supposed to be here at half ten but there's no sign of them. At all.

My dad's being totally fucking annoying too... he's doing that thing where he tells everyone who'll listen what he's going to have to eat and why... "Well, I'm going to have an omelette now, because that's made of eggs so it's got lots of protein in it" and "I've had nearly 150 grams of protein so far today" and "Steak's got nearly 100 grams of protein in it, so it's really good for your muscles". It is just so. fucking. annoying.  He seems to think that because his friend Brian has told him some stuff he is suddenly a fucking nutrition guru. Which he is totally not! I'm always having to correct him and tell him why food x isn't as healthy as food y. It makes me want to hit walls, dammit! And make great big holes in them with chainsaws. Chainsaws, I tell you! CHAINSAWS!

Oh, and our oven's still broken  why does life have to be so annoying?!

<3

I saw Sofia today  it's been a while since I've seen her or talked to her, but she still seems to be the same-old Sofia (although she's looking thinner and browner these days). Apparently she's got skype, so I'll have to add her on there, seeing as I got skype so I can talk to my American friend Deana (who I should be visiting in August! Eee! )

In other news, my fingers are now developing blisters because I just walked from Tesco to my house carrying one of those big-ass 6-packs of 2-litre bottles of water... it hurt  Yeah, paaaaaain. I have also realised that I am very stubborn and determined to do things without help. Even though I could've used a bit of help carrying those bottles, I refused to call my parents or brother to give me a lift home and I wouldn't accept help from people on the street. This is quite possibly one of my worse qualities.

Been going to the gym for about a month now... I go every morning for about an hour and a quarter and usually burn around 375 calories. I'm beginning to notice some subtle differences  for example: my waist is a little bit smaller, my thighs are much more solid and my arse doesn't wobble like a giant jelly monster anymore  Oh, and I also now actually have biceps, opposed to looking like I have biceps when really I just have a massive lump of flab

And uh... I'm knackered right now after that terrible walk and that gym workout. I should probably get some food in my system, seeing as I only had 342 calories for breakfast, meaning I've been running on zero for some time now XD

<3

What are three reasons why you love the country you live in?

1. The food
I really do like good old English food, such as roast dinner. Roast potatoes are amazing, as are roast meats. Roast pork? Roast chicken? Yes please. And you can't forget fish and chips. Admittedly, I only have the chips, but it's still traditionally English. Yum

2. The weather
Most people complain about British weather, but I don't mind it. Because we don't really get too many warm days, we appreciate them more. The rain keeps the place looking green and occasionally we get snow, which always makes everyone excited.

3. The fact everyone seems to think we're so smart
Honestly, I talk to my friends from other countries and they seem to think I'm "really clever". The truth is, I'm not all that smart. I'm of pretty average intelligence really. But because we learn so much useless shit at school, we have a far greater general knowledge, so everyone thinks we're smarter than we are XD

And there are a number of other things, like the culture, the landscape and the language... but I'll leave it there =]

War against America? Sign me up!

Sooo I read a post on Mancouch about how they don't like the British... fair enough. I'm assuming it's supposed to be humourous, but I really didn't find it that funny... in fact, it was just ironic. Let me explain:

1a. Please don't confuse Britain and England. One moment you say "now is the time to confront our old nemesis: England!" And then you say how Robert Pattison should be sent back to Scotland... yes, Scotland is in Great Britain, but it isn't in England. Please make it clear which one you're referring to.

1b. How can you complain about Robert Pattison when your country's producing plenty of talentless people? You produced the horrific creatures known as Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton (seriously, what the hell is she famous for anyway?) and you can complain about Robert Pattison all you like, but don't forget the damn person who wrote Twilight is American.

2. Rename your cities? Go ahead. Why do they even have English names anyway? Not creative enough to make up your own?

3. British food will always be better than American food. Roast dinners, yorkshire puddings, shepherd's pie, bangers and mash and, of course, full English breakfast, will always be waaaay better than anything the Americans have ever come up with. Sorry, McDonalds? What the hell is that? Twinkies? PB&J sandwiches? That's not food; that's shit on a plate. Sorry.

4. I don't even get what you're trying to say here.

5. Your version of football is horrible. Here in England, what you call football, we'd essentially call "rugby for pussies". If you take away all your shoulder pads and helmets and insert a bit more rough play, you've got rugby. Just because you don't have the balls to play it.

6. Just because Andrew Lloyd Webber was a genius. The only musical I see you producing that's got you anywhere is High School Musical... and let's face it, that's the corniest thing that any half-brained moron could have written. Billy Elliot has a far better story line. Oh and also, Abba are Swedish, not English.

7. (Yes I have more) What language do you speak again? Oh that's right... English! Only you removed the 'u' from various words, decided you can't spell the word 'doughnut' and fucked with the meanings of certain words (like 'chips', 'cookies', 'jelly' and 'pants').

Now I'd just like to say, I do not hate Americans. I actually know a fair few and I quite like them; they're friendly people. However I felt this was an appropriate response to such a ridiculous post =]