Not been on here in forever

I kinda miss the days when I just blogged about my life and thought people cared. Now I just... I dunno. I guess I lost my will to write. What's the point if no one's listening? I guess it vents some frustration. Maybe I'll start using this again. Who knows.

Maybe I can learn to like talking to myself.

After all, who needs the thoughts of someone else, just to satisfy their own voice?

Pole dancing's going great, anyway. I've decided that I want to be an instructor someday, but before that happens I'll need to get a lot better than I am now. A lot. Give it another year and a half at the very, very least. I'm thinking more along the lines of two years: finish my degree, then do a year working, earning enough money to get me started while I continue to better myself.

Bah, I'm so lonely. It's killer, sometimes. It's not the kind of "alone" feeling you get when you don't have someone to talk to; it's that really deep loneliness within your heart, that isolation from everyone and everything else. But I'm used to it.

It's all okay

We talked. We're fine.

As it turns out, I'm just being a moody bitch. I do that. And of course Marcus is not a mind-reader, bless him. I shouldn't expect him to put up with me.

Anyways. I'm cooking for him on Thursday, and he's taking me out for dinner on Saturday. I am so looking forward to it :D

Taken for granted

I need to have a talk with Marcus.

I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure he'd like to tell me how I could improve, so it'll be good for both of us. But basically, here's the jist of what I'm going to be saying.

It feels like he doesn't even want to be with me. In our whole year of being together, we've never once been out on a date. Not that he can't afford it, and even if he couldn't I'd happily split the bill, and he knows I would. He only wants to see me maybe once a week. He says it's because he's working, but he doesn't work 24/7... it just wouldn't hurt to take a couple of hours to see me. But no, it's only ever once at the weekend, just for a couple of hours. Instead, he's out drinking with his friends. He doesn't tell me when he's going out, even though he knows I'd love to go with him, and he's frequently said "Oh yeah, you should hang out with us more!" ...he's quite happy to tell me about the fun he had on the nights I wasn't invited to though. It sounds like he has more fun without me than he does with me. He rarely replies to my texts, he doesn't tell me he loves me unless I say it first...

It's getting so frustrating.

Maybe I am being demanding, but my friends don't seem to think I am. And even if I was... y'know, I need that kind of affection. If I'm not getting it from him, am I really in the right relationship?

Fucking hell. We need to talk.

Missing Marcus

Yeah, I'm totally pathetic. Marcus vanished off to Egypt for a week and I miss him. He left on Monday, so it's been, what, 5 days or something? I haven't seen him since last Saturday, and I haven't heard from him since Sunday (yeah, he didn't text me before he left, the loser). So basically, it's been a week, and I miss him far too much for it having been only a week. Especially seeing as we often don't get to see each other apart from at the weekends anyway. But I miss having someone to text when I'm lonely and all that slushy romantic gobbledegook. Wow, gobbledegook doesn't come up on my computer's spell checker... I guess it's a real word that's recognised by some electronic dictionary.

Speaking of words, I learned a new one today: celerity. According to the dictionary definition, it means "rapidness, swiftness, speed". Awesome sauce, gonna use that in a novel, methinks.

Yeah that's right, I'm still novel-writing, or trying to. Failing rather miserably, but never mind. I now have Scrivener installed on my trusty Macbook, and I must say it is the best writing software I've ever used. Perfect for budding authors. If you're a novel-writer, I recommend you download it; it's really awesome.

Uhhh... in other news... nothing. Woot.

Inappropriate, and slightly insulting

To be honest, I don't know what it is with me and certain guys and them getting far too... ahhh, how to put it... all over me, when I really don't appreciate it, but some of them really do. And there is this one in particular who's starting to get in my face all over again. That certain guy? Kyle.

Remember him? Of course you don't, no one fucking reads this, which I'm okay with. I think if people actually read it, I'd be pressured to write something worth reading, as opposed to getting random shit off my chest, which is exactly what I want to do now. Anyways, Kyle is an ex of mine, sort of. I say "sort of" because I never actually agreed to go out with him, ever. He just kinda decided we were, which confused the fuck out of me when people kept telling me "oooh, congratulations with you and Kyle!" First of all, a relationship is hardly worthy of congratulations. Secondly, it wasn't a relationship. Not that it matters; this was roughly 3 years ago and lasted a whole not even 3 weeks (2 weeks for me to figure out what was going on, a further week to get the balls to actually "break up with" him... over msn. Whatever).

3 years. You'd think 3 years on this guy would've forgotten about this whole 3-week not-relationship. Sure, we've stayed friends, we chat occasionally, he pisses me off because he's become quite the stuck-up self-righteous hippy arsehole, but that's not the point. He says to me on Friday while we were out "You're still my biggest regret. You stole my innocence." Blah blah blah. I just told him his new hair cut made him look like a goat. A drink later, he's falling into me, trying to rest his head on my shoulder while hugging me, saying "I love you, Jo". Oh my fucking God. Trying to put his arm around me. Good. Fucking. Christ.

What the fuck are you supposed to say to that? I just moved away while saying "Well, that's very nice of you." Did he take the hint? No. No he did not. Continued to follow me and try to cuddle me all night. Of course, this annoyed Marcus. For fuck's sake, I'm wearing that man's ring, you'd think that'd make other guys think twice about approaching me. But no, apparently not. I always suspected "I have a boyfriend" translates in a guy's mind as "I'm single, please hit on me", and I guess this just confirms it.

I don't even really know what the point is. I'm just annoyed that darling Kyle felt that being all over me and telling me he loves me was an appropriate way to act at all, especially around Marcus. And now he's just texted me, which isn't really anything, but then he never normally texts me, ever. Yeah, he's recently broken up with his girlfriend, I know, he's probably lonely. Well, if he was actually a decent friend to the people who let him in while he was homeless and on so many drugs he lost control of his bowels, rather than going all "holier than thou" on them as soon as he got a job, I'd be a lot more sympathetic. As it is, I think I feel more sympathy for the t-shirt on my bedroom floor that now needs washing because it's been festering there for about a week.

Dear all men, if I'm taken and wearing a nice pretty diamond ring, then just back the fuck off. It's so fucking disrespectful for you to try it on with me, it kind of implies you think I'm a slut who's willing to cheat on her other half with you, which I'm absolutely not.

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